"Sometimes we imprision ourselves with a narrative of self punishment."

Are you willing to walk around the bars that you have put infront of yourself...to see the open doors that are awaiting you?

Namaste

At some point, you stop chasing the things that hurt you.

Let it go......

It makes me sad...the way my mother has always treated me. The strong arm. No hugs along the way. No conversations about what is concerning me, what is happening with me. But, I understand that this will not help me in the long run...to dwell on the things I feel like I did not get. But, it will help me in how I choose to treat Finn. How I choose to interact with him. How I choose to give him hugs and tell him I love him, while still expecting great things from him.

What did I want to write about... So many things. Still so mad at my mother. I probably need to work on that. Breathe in breathe out....let it go. Finn and I had a fantastic time in Jackson Hole. Such a beautiful place, and we waited for the right time...at the end of their season when there were less people in town. The gorgeous Tetons. Some great restaurants...and fun hotel... and time away with my 13 year old.

I love figs

"Like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked." ~The Bell Jar/ Silvia Plath "The fragility of the fig is also part of its attraction... Fig Preserves are some of the most luscious to be had..." ~Ripe/ Nigel Slater

Anatomy of a crash

 

I hit a tree with my head yesterday. With the impending snow storm scheduled to arrive today, I set out to do my favorite 20 mile mountain bike ride. It was intended to be a “Grand Finale” ride of sorts. I’ve ridden over 1500 miles this season…mostly on my mountain bike…and this is a ride I have done 9 times this season. A ride I love to do. A three hour tour complete with beautiful views, suffer session climbing, technical rocky sections and glide-y, berm-ed out downhills.  It takes you high above French Gulch…along a single track, back down across rocks and steams….down the roller coaster Wire Patch trail, up Sally Barber Climb, up Nightmare on Baldy, down True Romance and finally down the other side of Sallie Barber to the  switchbacks of Barney Ford and the lower “whoop section” (man-made rollers) to the super fun Barney Flow with features and bridges etc… and lastly to the berm-ed out switch backs of Carter Park, ending up in town and cruising back to the shop. The first part of the ride you only see a few riders, the end of the ride is on well-traveled and loved trails just above town. Generally, when I finish this ride, I feel somewhat depleted but exhilarated from a long, challenging, fun ride.

The particular section (the top of Barney Ford Descent) where I hit the tree, I have ridden 14 times this summer and fall. It is at the end of the ride…and it’s a section I know well. it’s not super technical. It’s pretty much a glide-y downhill with some easy switchbacks. I was cruising along and enjoying the last part of the ride… focusing on having my butt over the back of seat…my dropper post fully lowered…and grooving with the terrain. That was when my wide enduro handlebars clipped the tree on the right and flung me head first into it. I felt the impact on my head… and my neck and ear slam into the tree…I saw stars. It happened so fast. I didn’t lose consciousness…I sat on the ground for a moment and collected myself. I looked around. There were no other riders or hikers.  I picked myself up…straightened out my bike…clipped back into my pedals and rode down to town.

I’m pretty sure I have a mild concussion.  I have a headache, a sore head, scrapes on the side of my face, on and in my ear and a nice welt on my shin. My neck is stiff, my clavicle hurts…my helmet is cracked…but I am ok. It just started to snow.

Petit Dejeuner

Geography of Bliss

A Book by Eric Weiner.

Things I learned about happiness:

It needs to come from within.

External happenstance can be joyful, but you need to take flight yourself.

Maybe happiness is this:  not wanting to be anywhere else.  But, that too is fleeting.

Conjoyment: Contentment/ joyfulness…easy going without highs and lows.

Happiness is low expectations.

Attention/ not feeling invisible

Having connections

Feeling connected

Not needing a lot

Trust, friends, neighbors

Knowing there are good people out there

Feel like you are contributing

Stop chasing things that don’t make us happy.

Windfalls ultimately don’t make you happy…though they can relieve some stress.

Not getting what you want, getting what you want…neither make us happy.

Interesting work

Random joyful objects.

Religion, purpose, belief in something.

It is not what we believe, but the act of believing.

Happiness is a state of mind & how you pursue that state of mind.

Happiness is a choice.

Attitude that no matter how bad things are…they will work out.

Pride.

Staying busy and not thinking too much about be happy. Doing. Living. Breathing.

Live rather that question living.

Thinking about happiness makes us less happy.

The belief that the relationship is more important than the problem.

Not serious about anything.

Whatever it is we accept it.

If it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing.

Happy/go-lightlies don’t get flustered.

If nothing you do matters, then life suddenly feels a lot less heavy. It’s just all a big game.

Friendship, sex, trust.

Relationships at work and with family.

We need identity to feel happy. Your dreams, your worth, your ideas.

Food is the mirror of the nation’s soul.

Pride. Identity. Culture. Tradition.

Envy = the enemy of happiness.

Powerlessness. People are not likely to be happy if they have no control over their lives.

Being useful = happiness.

Living a meaningful life is sometimes good enough.

Home is where the heart is. You come home because this is where you live.

To feel needed. People & dogs.

Count your blessings & be grateful for five things every day.

Appreciate the moment.

Socializing. Meeting people. Inspiration. New ideas and opportunities. Connection.

Spice!!!

Love.

More than one road to happiness.

Balance.

Rich, meaningful life.
Our relationships with other people are more important than you think.

100 Things:

Snow
Fog
Rain
Books
Lighthouses
Lobster Boats
Chamonix
Chambery
Beaufort
Annecy
Val d"Isere
Tignes
Lavigno
Bolzano...want to go!
La Thuile
La Rosiere
Courmayeur
The North End of Boston
Boylston Street
Paris
Portland, Maine
Cape Elizabeth, Maine
Breckenridge, CO
Monhegan Island
Sottocenere
Lindt Chocolate
Nougat
Croix de Savoie
Vin de Savoie
Crepes
Bananas
Coffee
Muffins, cakes, breads
A Farewell to Arms
A Moveable Feast
Tender at the Bone
Weilier Bike
Santa Cruz Mtn bike
Santa Cruz
Creede
Clearwater Farms
Rotating Tram in Courmayeur
Lake City
Crested Butte
Durango
Brevent Tram
Macarons
Aguille di Midi
Vallee Blanche
Pain de Beaufort
La Pignatta Tignes
Le Caveau
Hotel de Marmottes
Frangipane
Galettes
Prince cookies
T-bar
Hintertux
Altenmarkt
La Clusaz
Zermatt
Euro Breakfasts
Breakfast
Oats, bananas, coffee, bread & jam
Chambery
Rose Hospital
Anthropologie
Coffee
RN74
Mendocino
Half Moon Bay
Big Sur
Camden
Alford Lake Camp
Belfast
Restaurant in Courmayeur
Pizza in Annecy, Val d'Isere & Courmayeur
Restaurant in Zermatt
Maison Carrel on Italian mtn
Red Burgundy Villages: Cote de Nuit, Gevry Chambertin, Morey St Denis, Ladoix, Nuit St Georges
White Burgundy villages:  Meursault, Puligny Montrachet, Chassagne Montrachet
Beaune
Hotel Le Cep
Barolo
Alba
Barbera
Bread & Honey
Blueberry Cake
Cracked Apple Cookies/ Scratch bakery
Reds
Vignola
Piatti
Indian Food
IVF
Adoption
Termination   Septo Optic Dysplasia  heterscopy
Vaso Previa
World Cup
Jam  First Chair Jam
Colorado Palisade Peaches
Strawberry Pie
Lobster Roll
Fly Fishing
The "Art" of things
Buckwheat Pancakes
Cinnamon Twists
Ginergerbread House
Sugarloaf
The Rack
Gretchen's Ginger Cookies
Coq au Vin
Frank Llloyd Wright
Country Club
The Cove
Higgins Beach, Scarborough Beach, Casino Beach, Willard Beach, Cliff House Beach
Yoga
Meditation
Big Mtn Contests
Finn
Kenny
Mom
Dad
Tony
John
Chris
Jen
Kyle
Violaine
KB
Cathy
Kim
Elaine
Soni
Sam
Martha
Kent
Mary
Gretchen, Brinn, Courtney
Bookclub
Andy
Bill
Darren
Kevin
Scott
Brett
Franny
Alto
Love
Happiness
Journaling
Walking
skiing
mtn biking
road biking
Santa Fe
Cafe Pasquales
Georgia O'Keefe
NYC
Impressionist at the Met
Pasquale Jones
The Refinery Hotel
Central Park
Buvette
Europe
France, Italy, Switzerland
Baking
Cooking
Wine
Cheese
Chocolate
Passion
Desire
Life
Family
Surfers
Ocean
Mountains
Maine
Friends
Lovers

Maine Blueberry Cake!

I may not be able to be in Maine right now...but it is in my heart and in my thoughts.


Preheat over to 350*

1/4 cup applesauce
1/4cup vegetable oil
Just under 1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup buttermilk
2 eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons  all purpose flour
1/2 cup spelt flour
1/2 cup white whole wheat flour
1/2 cup old fashioned oats
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 or 2 tablespoons black chia seeds

2 cups of frozen Maine blueberries sprinkle w/ 2 tablespoons of flour

Fold batter into a prepared (I use pam baking spray) Springform pan.

Sprinkle with 2 tablespoons of sugar.

Bake for 50 minutes.

For Blueberry Almond Cake:
Cut Spelt flour to 1/4 cup. Add 1/4 cup Almond Flour.
Cut Vanilla to 1 teaspoon and add  & 1/4 teaspoon almond extract.

Yummmmmmm!! Yankee Mainer goodness. :)

Best Cookies Ever!!!

Peanut Butter, Oat & Chocolate Chip Cookies

Preheat Oven to 350*

Lightly Grease 2 cookie sheets

Ingredients:

1/3 cup unsalted butter

1/3 cup applesauce

1/2 cup light brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cup peanut butter

1 & 1/2 cup All Purpose Flour

1/2 cup old fashioned oats

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 Cup Chocolate Chips



Beat together the butter, sugars, egg, applesauce, vanilla & peanut butter until smooth.

In a separate bowl whisk together flour, baking soda & salt.

Add 1/2 to the peanut butter mixture. Mix until incorperated.

Add oats.

Mix.

Add second 1/2 of flour mixture.

Mix until incorportated.

Add chocolate chips.

Drop by heaping teaspoons onto the prepared baking sheets. 2 inches apart.

Bake for 10-11 minutes until lightly browned.

Remove from oven & cool on rack.


Makes @  20 cookies.



Serve with a cold mug of milk. Dip & enjoy!! :)

Santa Cruz 1993

I know the zone you speak about
where everything's in place

I know the zone the speak about when triumph
come from grace

I've seen it at its slowed down pace
Imminently pure

I've seen it and my father's face
I want to see it more

I've seen it in the surfer's stance
Perfection to the shore

I've seen it and the surfer's stance
Dancing the ocean score.

I want to ride a wave like you
Confident and secure

Passion is the muse of authenticity.

Simple Abundance
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

Tres vrais

"I have come to believe that falling obsessively in love is one of life's necessary assignments. It cracks us open. We put everything at risk. In the process we discover the dimensions of our own appetites and desires. And life, to be lived fully, demands desire."

~Rosemary Sullivan

Chamonix 2020

"There is something about safari life that makes you forget all your sorrows and feel as if you had drink half a bottle of Champagne bubbling over with gratitude for being alive."

Baroness Karen Blixen-Finecke

Memory

I keep on a feeling that's gnawing in my bones
You're just a memory of a love
That used to mean so much to me
You're just a memory girl
You're just a sweet memory
And it used to mean so much to me
~Rolling Stones

Thoreau for a Moment

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of her dreams and endeavors to live the life which she has imagined, she will meet with a sucess unexpected in common hours.

Mid-life Crisis

The scissors are sharp
and the table perfectly level
I cut you out of my life
and pasted you in that book I put away in the cabinet

Who'll be my role model now that my role model is gone?

He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations
                                    ~Paul Simon

Sending you love today. This world is a crazy place ...and hard to wrap your head around sometimes.  Other times life seems to go by like a normal chain of events, then all of a sudden things happen and you are standing there wondering if this is all a greater master plan...and you are just fodder. What is your role?  Do you have a role?  Is everything just coming at you as a lesson? I feel like I'm learning a lot these days...and then the next it just seems to be this great scam. Turning what you thought you knew on its head. Reality keeps changing in the versions of your mind.

Stop giving second chances to those who were never worthy.

Get Lost

After a while
you learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't always promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too certain for plans
and futures have a wayof falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong
and you really do have worth and you learn
and you learn with every goodbye you learn.

~The Get Lost Girls

Monhegan

Lyrics

GAI:Black & Blue
I miss the taste of you, red hearts and the dust of June
Oh I miss the taste of you

GAI: Shades of Blue
Been thinking you probably should stay
Yeah, I think you probably should stay
And our dreams on the windowsill (windshield)
See those trees turning gold in the hills


Mumford & Sons: Monster
So here we come
To a place of no return
Your is the face, that makes my body burn

In the Zone

Our ability to live in the moment without the weight of the world has suddenly gained emense value.

Have you ever heard the sound of a mountain melting?

Le Dru in January. It was off to the right as we finished the Vallee Blanche. You could hear the crackle...the steady persistent stream of rocks falling...the continued erosion from the gracier receding. The melting of the mountain. It sounded like heavy rain mixed with locomotive headway. A meditiative reverberation of the inevitable progression of time.

Life is easier if you choose it to be so

“That’s the way that the world goes ’round: you’re up one day, the next you’re down, it’s a half an inch of water and you think you’re gonna drown.” ~John Prine

My fucked up brain
Why does it fool me?
Why does it take me to places that hurt?

Life is easier if you choose it to be so.

Whatever you are not changing You are choosing. 

Damn

Most of the Time

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the signs
Stay right with it
When the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice
He's gone
Most of the time

Most of the time
It's well understood
Most of the time
I wouldn't change it if I could
I can't make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
Right down to the bone
I can survive,
And I can endure
And I don't even think
About him
Most of the time

Most of the time
My head is on straight
Most of the time
I'm not strong enough to hate
I don't build up illusion
'till it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion
No matter how thick
I can smile in the face
Of mankind
Don't even remember
What his lips felt like on mine
Most of the time

Most of the time
He ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know him if I saw him
He's that far behind
Most of the time
I can't even be sure
If he was ever with me
Or if I was ever with him

Most of the time
I'm halfway content
Most of the time
I know exactly where it all went
I don't cheat on myself
I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings
That are buried inside
I don't compromise
And I don't even care
If I ever see him again
Most of the time

~Bob Dylan

Riding Bikes

Rode my bike this week for the first time since last fall. It was absolutely amazing...to have that  feeling of powerful acceleration. Can't wait to wear this suit again!!!

Kubla Khan

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Though caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast think pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's fail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the scared river.

Five miles meandering with maxy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sunk in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingling measure
From a fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleaseure-dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on the dulcimer she play'd,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of  Paradise.

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Angel From Montgomery

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that's growm old
If dreams were lightning, thunder were desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo'
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

When I was a young girl well, I had me a cowboy
He weren't much to look at, just a free rambling man
But that was a long time ago and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

There's flies in the kitchen I can hear 'em buzzing
And I ain't done nothing since I woke up today
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

~John Prine

Speed of the Sound of Loneliness

You come home late and you come home early
You come on big when you're feeling small
You come home straight and you come home curly
Sometimes you don't come home at all

So what in the world's come over you
 And what in heaven's name have you done
You've broken the speed of the sound of loneliness
You're out there running just to be on the run

Well I've got a heart that burns with a fever
And I got a worried and a jealous mind
How can a love that'll last forever
Get left so far behind

It's a mighty mean and a dreadful sorrow
It's crossed the evil line today
Well, how can you ask about tomorrow
We ain't got one word to day

You're out there running just to be on the run
You're out there running just to be on the run


How'd you know that John Prine?

I remember feeling brave and fearless...and happy to be in Chamonix. 

 Where did that innocence go? 

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should,

and let go of what you can't change.

Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances,

give everything and have no regrets.

Life's too short to be anything but happy."

~unknown 

49 you were fine....but I'm ready to leave you behind and jump on this freight train called 50!

"I have a tendancy not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time  (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

~Elizabeth Gilbert (and me!!!!!!)

"My father was very sure about matters pertaining to the universe. To him, all good things- trout as well as eternal salvation- came by grace; and grace comes by art; and art does not come easy."

~Norman Mclean 

A River Runs Through It

This past year was a wild journey filled with amazing adventures...and most of them super fun. ;)  Abraham Lincoln said: "It's not the years in your life that count; it's the life in your years."  And I'm fully on board with that. Gunna keep skiing the mountains, riding bikes, taking chances...surfing the waves.

Let the river take away
All the words
That you and I could never say
In the silence Darling let us pray
Let the river take it all away.
~John Hiatt

"Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you.
 But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
 ~HD Thoreau

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."~HD Thoreau