On my morning walk I ventured over to where we'd hung out on mogul day when I was here competing in '92. My thoughts shifted from the nice, sunny, fresh, pillowy snow surroundings to the concrete and vivid memories of '92. It was here that we came...Oberjoch, Germany, directly after they had decided the Olympic Team for Albertville. It was the last World Cup event before Albertville and we (those who had not qualified for The Games) were given the choice to fly to Europe and compete or stay home. I chose to come to Oberjoch. Ann and Rodman and the others who had qualified were all on highs...anticipating the weeks to come that built up to the Olympics. I remember Karen and I just merely wanted to "make it through." We did better than that though. We had eachother and created a friendship unique and specific to that time. Karen and I had both been first alternates: she for Ballet and me for Moguls. We had gone over to show (mainly to ourselves) that we were worthy of going to Albertville too. We roomed together and endured that weeks with smiles on our faces: trying not to think...to let it really settle in, while our teammates grew more anxious. And I remember that when the bus (to pick up the athletes who had been selected for the Olympics) pulled up outside the window of the breakfast room of our hotel, Karen and I continued drinking our cafe au laits.
They loaded giddy for Albertville. And I remember waving and giving Bobby my Nerf football on which I had written"GO USA." And I remember trying so hard to be enthusiastic for them...wishing them well...because they were my teammates...my friends...who were actually GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!! And it was more than I could envision...and maybe that is why it didn't happen for me. Theoretically (in my mother's mind for sure and maybe my own) I should have been there. I had been competing better than ever. I had made finals twice and had my best season going. What it came down to were three competitions pitting me against another American who had just joined the team. The selection criteria discounted what I had done all season long. But seniority and theory don't get you to the Olympics - place points do. And she had done better...beaten me in two out of the three events. When The Games were over we would rejoin them for the last two World Cups of the season in Japan and I would have to settle and wait for that. (The bus eventually drove off.)
It's kind of pathetic, I think, that I am still dwelling on '92. But, it was such a dream, such a goal and such a letdown. And here I am now, in 1995, "still competing" I say, almost embarrassed. They were such big goals and dreams then (Albertville in '92, Worlds in '93 and Lillehammer in '94) and none of them happened for me. I was first alternate for all three and the pain is unmeasurable. So here I am now, almost immune to the fact that I am going to actually compete in Worlds 1995. It's almost like I don't give a shit anymore...almost like I am too pissed off about the past that "who cares about Worlds anyway?" I guess I do, ultimately. Imagine if I'd been first alternate again...ugh. I guess I just didn't let myself know that I was fighting hard to make sure that I did get here. I remember the tears this summer and fall and the uncertainty of putting myself through it all again. But, in North America, in the events that counted, I did it... finally. And now it's my turn to get on the bus.
